Yesterday, I turned 39. I was going to write a post about it then, but it was my birthday, and my brain decided that we weren’t doing that. My brain also decided we weren’t doing a lot of things like sleeping well, eating right, and not spending money on video games I’ll never play.
I’ve never been upset by birthdays too much. I’ve never felt comfortable in my body, so aging doesn’t really take away something I once had in spades. And my life has always felt like one apocalyptic crisis after another, so I’m not suddenly compelled to buy an expensive car to prove I still have it together. Maybe that’s all shit that will come at 40. There was a movie about being 40 called “This is 40.” In the film, the main character has a beautiful house and a full family. I’ve never been able to get a couple to be able to keep the baby in The Sims.
Perhaps turning 39 feels like I’m supposed to admit something or come to some conclusion about life. This is where I’m supposed to relax and realize that existence is a short journey and we should appreciate every twist and turn. Or this is where I’m supposed to panic and realize that existence is a short journey and we should fear every increasingly worse twist and turn. I also respect that it's much easier to be a man turning 39 in a society that works under the mistaken impression that we get better with age.
But turning 39 just feels a bit pointless. 30 means I’m supposed to do something with my life. 35 means I’m no longer in the most desirable marketing demographic. 38 means I’m basically at the statistical halfway point of life. 40 has multiple movies about it. 39 is really just a waiting room after one weird birthday and before another. I’m still old as a dog that should’ve died years ago, but there’s something anticlimactic about it.
According to pop culture, I should be trying to recapture something. But my youth wasn’t better than my life now. Nor did I live a different life in any discernible way outside of having a job. If you took me as a kid and replaced school with work, you’d basically have it all. I’m not sure how to recapture my youth when I’m still buying games about future people who drive very fast future cars. I guess I could ask my older sister to beat the shit out of me and then make us all instant macaroni and cheese; that would remind me of childhood.
That’s not to say my life has been stagnant for 39 years. Sure, maybe 10 years. Or 15. Possibly 20. But not all 39. I’ve lived. I’ve laughed. I’ve loved. I’ve bought little wooden plaques with those phrases for my seventeen guest bathrooms. Life has been more than fair to me. And as someone who’s evaluating every moment of every mistake I’ve ever made, I don’t know how much reflection I’ve got left in me.
So I thought I’d do something far more corny. Here’s a list of 39 things I’ve learned over the 39 years of my life. Not all are useful. Not all are good. But here they are, divided by era.
Early Childhood
1. Falling on a hot stove hurts.
2. If I feel like I need to go to the bathroom immediately, I should probably go to the bathroom immediately.
3. Shouting, “You’re not my real mother” in a store can get your mom arrested.
4. Look both ways before crossing the street.
5. Stop, drop, and roll.
6. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start.
7. Tell someone you’re going to throw up before you throw up.
8. Say thank you for a gift, even if you didn’t want the gift.
9. When packing your own lunch for school, don’t put water in a plastic baggie as a drink.
10. If you climb a tree, have an exit plan.
11. It doesn’t matter what’s outside the lunchbox: It’s what you can trade on the inside that counts.
12. Bring enough cupcakes for everybody.
13. Don’t touch Dad’s stereo ever.
Adolescence
14. Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
15. Writing a four-page poem to ask someone out is a mistake.
16. Wearing a shirt in a swimming pool does not protect you from all criticism.
17. If you don’t know which fighter to choose, go with Eddy Gordo.
18. Learn how to make a believably human smile before taking prom photos.
19. MP3s are the future. They’ll never die.
20. You can get through most conversations using the phrase, “I know, right?”
21. Mr. Game & Watch is the best Smash Bros. character.
22. JRPGs are the highest possible form of art. Even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones.
23. A lot of people take The Matrix and Fight Club very seriously.
24. Pretend to take The Matrix and Fight Club very seriously around the above people.
25. Vampires > Werewolves.
26. You’re big enough to touch Dad’s stereo now.
Adulthood
27. People will grow increasingly disappointed in you for existing.
28. Being nice to a customer service rep will actually get things fixed much faster.
29. Even banks don’t know how banks work so good luck!
30. Shaking trees in games usually has a better result than shaking trees in life.
31. Your greatest goal in life will become shutting up your goddamn brain for five fucking minutes.
32. No matter what you think, silly accents don’t help the mood during sex.
33. You will get increasingly mad at cars ignoring the walk sign until it’s the one thing you have left in your heart.
34. Losing weight is just as hard as before, but complaining about it is 100% easier.
35. You’ll do taxes wrong, your accountant will do taxes wrong, and any app you use will do taxes wrong.
36. A bit called “Gal Gadot’s Gal Ga-Do’s and Gal Ga-Don’ts” will never make it on television, no matter how many times you pitch it.
37. Any game is a roleplaying game if you just push pieces around and make fun sounds.
38. Breakdown all cardboard boxes.
39. Your dad is not allowed to touch your stereo.
Wait until 59. The adult list doesn’t change much.
Suck it, that weird Baz Luhrmann song about sunscreen.