We Would’ve Been Better Off Doing Nothing
Also, NYC, come see My Obituary Show this Thursday!
Hey Folks!
What a good world we’re all living in! What fun times!
We’re sending armed guards to airports to fuck around on their phones as people wait in line for the TSA that’s not getting paid because they want to pay said people on said phones. The crazy shit is that this seems like a far better use of money and time than having them execute moms and nurses. We currently live in a society that would’ve been better off doing nothing for the last two years. We’ve spent two years trying to use a shovel to dig a ladder.
That’s what I can’t get out of my head.
If the current fuckers had literally done nothing, we’d be in a better spot. Hell, they could’ve done nothing and acted like that the slow rise of numbers was their big boy success. They could’ve all hid in a bathroom and watched YouTube videos on their phones. Literally doing nothing would’ve left the world in a better state than it is now.
It’s like if there were three dishes in the sink and, upon being told to wash the dishes, we dumped a bag of fertilizer into the sink and poured Gorilla glue all over it before adding in shards of glass and cayenne pepper and fire. The kitchen would’ve been cleaner if we just left those three dishes alone! Or, you know, washed them. But the dishes are broken now, so that’s not even a concern anymore. Kitchen fire is!
Maybe that’s an issue I’ve felt like I’ve fucked myself with. Times when I could’ve left something alone and didn’t and made it worse. Or broke it entirely. I’ve ruined so many, many, many good things by thinking I could make just a lil fix. I’ve torn up wooden floors trying to fix a splinter. I once broke an entire glass refrigerator tray because I was trying to take it out to clean. Even with the best intentions, so many things were better off left alone. And sometimes you know you shouldn’t be taking that glass tray from the fridge.
But there’s a big fucking difference between breaking a fridge shelf and the entire international energy industry. Trying to clean a spot on the wall and revealing it was ironically the only clean point on the entire surface is annoying, sure. But, hey, it isn’t destroying our country’s reputation and kind of just spree killing anyone they can get their hands on! You’d think they’d know that was bad, but there’s a whole lot of “what happened?” from these fucking losers with their finger on the trigger.
Still, the people left to die in the rubble will spend their final days bragging that they have slightly bigger rocks than the rubble pile on the other end of the block.
I dunno. Maybe I should write fun recipes or something that doesn’t make me feel bad.
Upcoming Shows
If you’re looking to see me live, I’ve got more shows coming up. And in late April I’ll be in LA, so hopefully I’ll have some shows locked down for then as well.
The big one this week is My Obituary Show, which should be a good one! We’ve got an insane lineup and I’m hoping you folks can make it out.
3/26/26 - My Obituary Show @ QED Astoria
3/28/26 - Eastville Comedy Club
4/11/26 - New Stuff with Phoebe Robinson @ Union Hall
5/2/26 - Headlining Set @ Triad Theater
That’s All!
Thank you all very much. Have a great week!
So relatable—Vyvyan’s pyrrhic travails, but also the atavistic compulsion to peer into the mirror and, against all previous evidence, continue to probe one's face with one's fingers. (Plus, all of the instructive, colorful examples you mentioned.)
Because of your post in total, I am now really not anticipating a mid-April travel itinerary. In line with your own (comedic) night of death and remembrance, I propose an exhaustive damnatio memoriae of Trump—i.e., all appropriated monuments, governing laws and policies, and the brand insignia. (After this is all over.)
I am exhausted, aggrieved, and, maybe, not kidding? (Also not wanting to hasten a Streisand-like "conspicuous absence," so still casting about in terms of what eventual form this might take.)