The Problem With a Life of "Yes"
Always being told you're right breaks your brain.
Rich and famous people you forgot existed love a good heel turn. They love switching from “mostly normal human being” to “eccentric” to “insane super villain who believes they must burn the world to save it.” In their heads this usually isn’t a mere pivot. It’s them responding to the gravest threat possible: the world changing without their explicit permission.
Now, there are usually two reasons for this. The first is money. As the founder of a litigious religion once said, “You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” Except replace “science fiction” with “living a normal life” and “religion” with “podcast that says women are ruining Marvel.” There’s always money in the bigotry stand, Michael. A lot of metaphors. What I mean is that if you’re even relatively famous and started a YouTube channel in which you just complained about trans people wanting rights, you’d be rich tomorrow.
The second is that a lot of rich and famous people have never been told “no.”
Or, at the very least, they haven’t seriously been told “no” in a very long time. When you’re rich and/or famous enough, “no” becomes obsolete. You’re surrounded by people whose livelihoods often involve telling you “yes.” Are your all ideas good? Yes. Are you more important than most people? Yes. Are you a good person despite hitting someone with your car? Yes.
Compare this to everyday life. We’re told “no” all the time. To a loan. To an idea at work. To medical assistance. And usually the groups that the rich and famous people are most mad at ironically get told “no” the most of anyone. Of course, to ignore this, there’s an inversion of the power structure so an oppressed group is cast as the Goliath and the billionaire fighting them is the meek David. It’s all smoke and mirrors.
The wealthy live in a waterfall of “yes” and “of course” and “that’s brilliant.” Whether from staff or fans or scared employees. If the rich and famous person is mad about something, they’re correct to be mad. It’ll be fixed right away, even if the fix is going to create problems for everyone else. If they’re thirsty, someone will put a drink in their hand and it’ll be the drink they always expect. If they’re hungry, they’ll have a reservation somewhere without knowing you had to make one.
“No” means “someone else needs a find a way to make this a yes.” When a very rich or famous person has an opinion, it’s not an opinion, it’s a correct fact. Seriously. That’s what it is to them. And it makes sense why! “Everyone says so! Everyone loves you!” No matter what, they’re being told all day that they are part of the solution. They’re forces for good in the world and anything they do is good. And, if not good, then at least justified. Even the worst actions can be defended by the most eager sycophants (see all of history for more).
Unfortunately, a real “no” is a shock to their systems. A real, hard “no, this is wrong.” We all have bad thoughts. We’ve all got bad opinions. We’ve all posted something we thought was righteous but were later told it sucked. Or was wrong. Or projected an entire moral system onto one worldview as if that worldview were the default. We are human. We do dumb things. We can admit we do dumb things.
And sometimes when we do dumb things online, people yell at us.
For most of us, it’s annoying. I’m not talking about death threats or insane harassment. That’s bad no matter what. Don’t do it! Obviously that would fuck up anyone. I’m talking about a hundred people telling you that you’re wrong about something and - worst of all! - dumb for even thinking it. These people are 95% strangers who you never knew existed until they were mad at you. 5% of the people are other rich and famous friends who want to give it one last try before realizing it’s time to cut you loose. You being an asshole is starting to fuck with their money.
But very rich and famous people - the ones at the top - rarely experience this type of negative feedback. And when they do experience it, they can fire someone for it. If most of your life is people bending over backward to make every movement a luxury, every thought a symphony, then being told your opinion is bad must feel like the worst attack imaginable. These idiots are telling you that you’re wrong? Do they even know how often everyone says you’re right and they love you? Haven’t they seen your mighty achievements? Don’t they know about the charity work you did eight years ago and bring up every chance you get?
Here is where one could do some introspection. It never feels good to be getting a wave of criticism at once. It definitely doesn’t feel good when something you think was fine gets ratio’d to hell. It can feel like you’re being bullied. A lot of the time, you are being bullied. Photos of you are posted to show that you’re wrong because you’re ugly. Etc. But sometimes in there, there’s a note behind the note. It’s possible all those followers and fans who loved you before aren’t fake fans. Maybe they’re real fans who actually have feelings about what you publicly said. You don’t pay them, they can’t pretend to be your friend, they’re under no obligation to tell you “yes.” It’s painful for normal people to experience but absolute torture for someone who’s spent years or decades without serious pushback.
As a side note, this is why wealthy opinion writers believe a college campus protesting a speaker is more dangerous to free speech than banning books in schools. When you’re the center of reality and told every day you’re a Big Brain Thinker Man, it feels like the fabric of America itself is coming apart if you can’t tell 20-year-olds why poor people don’t deserve a social safety net.
This is also where rich and famous people will bring up the fact that, yes, people online are saying what they said was wrong - but did you know they once held a charity event? “You can’t criticize me for doing something wrong because I’m doing an entirely different thing right.” The same goes for bigotry. Sure, they may have posted a transphobic tweet or a hot take on racism that basically blames it all on the victims of racism, but they’ll say they’ve always been an ally. They have a close friend in the group they’re bashing! In fact, how dare anyone criticize them! They used to be your greatest advocate and you ruined it!
Around here is where we get the refrain of, “I supported this oppressed group until one person did thing I didn’t like and now I’m against all of them.”
The people who tell the rich people “yes” all the time still tell them “yes.” The sycophants rely on them to live. They’re not going to jump ship now just because you decided you don’t like a specific group of people anymore. Your entourage isn’t in that group! Why would they care? And a “yes” that keeps them on the yacht trip is always easier than a “no” that gets them kicked off the text thread. The best case scenario is one of the sycophants will find an out-of-context MLK quote that the rich and famous person can use like a shield.
But that rich and powerful person is going to keep being told they’re correct. First by their sycophants. Then by a sub-set of fans who would do anything for you. They don’t care what you make or say, they love you. After that comes the trolls who are glad they’ve finally got another person in their it’s-all-about-me glue trap. It’s comforting. After a fiery hot wave of being told you’re wrong, you’re getting a cool, refreshing wave of being told you’re right and - not only that - but the whole world has gone crazy!
This also involves a little shaking your fist at the clouds and yelling about the youths. Let’s not reduce how much aging breaks the brain of rich and famous people. The coolest demographics worshipped you and said you were a genius. Now that’s happening to someone else who does not deserve it like you do. How dare a trans teenager get praised for something? Those cool kids used to praise you! There must be something going on and. You. Do. Not. Approve.
That’s where their brains break. And that’s where they throw out any system of morality they had before. If they had one to begin with. “Someone told me I was wrong, so I’m going to do something completely different.” The turn from “I’m an ally” to “they shouldn’t exist until I give them permission to exist” is not a rare one nor limited to people who own boats for the sake of saying they own a boat. But it is one that comes with demanding you be the arbiter of other people. You were gracious enough before, when people were nice to you, to approve of their lives. But now that someone was mean to you - that’s it!
This seems insane, but remember, the rich and/or famous person doing this still needs the drug of affirmation that is “yes.” That’s why they become friends with other famous bigots because those are some of the few high profile people left willing to say “yes” about everything at any moment. Soon “I’m just asking questions” becomes “that group needs to disappear.” It puts numbers on the board and replaces the fans you lost. And if your new-found allies are telling you that you’re a genius well, hell, they must be geniuses too! “Have you watched their documentary on who the real victims of slavery were?” It’s fucking sad, man.
At the same time, any semblance of having a normal one washes away. Friends who take a step back are disappointing traitors. Fans that say they don’t like them anymore were never real fans to begin with. The rich and famous are just left with the “yes” from hollow, hateful people who know they can make a dollar off rage.
But at least someone is saying “yes.”
So smart Mike. I feel like this is related to certain...compassion gaps, for lack of a better term. People with privilege (money, good looks, health, whatever) want to believe that they have those things because they are good people.
So when a person doesn't have those things, instead of empathy and compassion, the privileged person tends to search for blame or a reason to withhold aid. They distance themselves from those who don't have their privileges because they are afraid they might "catch" poverty or acknowledge that they aren't morally superior, it is a threat to their sense of self.
Hrrrm not putting this as well as I would like to but maybe that makes some sense.
This was beautifully stated.