Merry Christmas, Check Out These Creepy Victorian Holiday Cards!

Also, the ten best gifts I ever received

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I’m going to get emotional here for a minute, so to keep the mood light, I’m going to illustrate this post with horrifying, but real Victorian era Christmas cards. Christmas cards now can be a little cringey, like, “Santa Claus is going on a looooong vacation after this year!” But the cards from the Victorian era feel like they were specifically designed to make children cry. Mostly because many of them feature crying children.

That’s the last I’ll mention of this. Onto the other things.

I’m currently sitting in the guest room / storage facility of my parents’ house on the loveseat I’ve spent the last three days sleeping on in what you could describe as a human W shape. In my family’s tradition, we don’t run out and tear open the gifts together. Rather, we all silently wait until we hear our parents are awake based on the sound of arguing from upstairs. You’ve got to listen closely to that fighting because it contains a lot of context clues about what’s going on behind the scenes. If the phrase, “it was right fucking here” is said, that might mean a gift is missing. If the phrase, “they’re your fucking kids, you wake them up” is said, that might mean it’s time to open presents. Also, we are always awake. Always. Awake. Waiting. Hungry. Itchy.

What about you? Are you with a family that tears open their packages early and starts fighting immediately after? Alone relaxing during a day in which nobody expects you to do anything, the only true freedom left in this world? Or perhaps you’re one of those movie families that open presents at a moderate pace while mutually paying attention to one another and murmuring, “Oh, that’s a nice one” to each others’ baubles and interests. You also might not celebrate Christmas, in which case you probably feel like a character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who says they don’t eat meat and so everyone offers them different types of meat. “Okay, but you like Rudolph don’t you?”

If you have the type of family that does Christmas perfectly, with just the right amount of tissue paper, and just the right reflective surfaces on bows, good work. I assume after gently opening your dreams for the year, you all fall asleep around the boxes and wrapping paper, knowing, in that moment, lifelong memories have been made. Good memories, too! Not the bad memories you usually have to pay to talk about or, if you’re very skilled, get paid to talk about. You’ve got to play the long game on that last one and, baby, let me assure you that the slot machine doesn’t always pay out. A whole lot of lemons in my childhood memory bank and the squeezable ones have already produced the only drops of lemonade I’ve got left.

That’s all to say once again… Merry Christmas!

This year hasn’t been what I think we’d all call “the best” year. And, look, we’ve still got a full week left until 2026 starts. There are a small handful of things that could happen that would absolutely pull the wheel right around and make 2025 a banger. I don’t want to spoil what those things are in case they happen, but the words “natural causes” and “worldwide celebration” are involved. I know it’s all up to God but - in the off chance he’s reading this - we’d all back you up here. This won’t be 2,000 years ago where a mixup sends you to Mount Golgotha. We’re all going to have your back this time. But, like, do some better background checks on your disciples this time. That’s on you.

I love Christmas. I love it for the gifts. I love it even more for the giving of gifts. I love the idea that there’s a season of the year in which you’re expected - nay, supposed - to be nice to the people around you, to the cashier at the store, to the server in the restaurant, to the slow guy in line at the post office. We should always be nice to these people, but this doesn’t usually play out and we’re in a time in which being a giant, cruel asshole is a ticket to fame and fortune. That would normally be the type of sentence that vaguely applies to every time period, but they’re now giving television spots and giant donations to racist old ladies who get fired for screaming the N word at people, so that might be a slightly newer twist. That said, theoretically, we are supposed to take the time to be a little less shitty to our fellow human beings.

And I know that Christmas isn’t easy for a lot of people. The longer we live, the less people we have stopping by for sugar cookies. Loved ones are gone - almost always the people who were the best at Christmas, too. The bitter bastards stick around. Traditions fray at the edges. Something that was fun to do with your family 30 years ago became annoying 15 years ago and is currently dreaded now. There are bad moments and hard times. There is loneliness and guilt. I’m being extremely corny here, but there’s a power to a holiday that can make you feel that much, too.

Beneath all the expectations and blowups and depressions, there is still some magic in that old silk hat they found. Beneath the children disappointed by a gift, beneath the parents disappointed by children’s reaction to that gift, and beneath the grandparents who don’t understand why giving church slacks was the worst possible thing you could do… is something special. I added that ellipsis because I really lost control of that sentence. Just like how humanity lost control and required the birth of Christ to set it straight. Although, hoo boy, maybe he should’ve saved that for a later time period! Not that things were great in Ancient Rome. I’ve seen HBO shows and lesser adjacent period pieces. I’m not giving notes, but here we are. If Christ had been born in 1979, we might not be in the position we’re in right now.

Then again, if he still died at 33, it would’ve been in 2012 of something stupid like an Ice Bucket Challenge gone awry. I’m not sure why I’m following this train of thought.

If you’re still reading this, thank you for everything this year. I’m sure I’ll say that again in a few days as New Year’s approaches, but I did want to get that out there. I appreciate you giving me your time and your energy when the whole world demands it and drains it. You could be watching at least seven or eight completely different holiday-themed baking competitions - so the fact you’re here on your phone in the bathroom means a lot. You’ve all been supportive and come to shows and bought books and, for all of that, I’m extremely grateful.

Outside of hoping that the world is solved through a series of very funny but extremely vital news events, my biggest wish this upcoming year is for you, me, everyone to just have some mental moments of silence. A few moments next year where the news doesn’t explode into view every five minutes. A few moments in which you don’t need to feel guilty for taking a break. A few moments in which opening social media causes an emotion other than endless fury and raging jealousy. I think it’s something I wish for every year, but you might as well.

So, Merry Christmas. Whether you give a crap about Christmas, whether or not you find the whole tradition appalling, I hope today, December 25th, sucks for you as little as possible. I’d prefer it to be outstanding and one for the history books. But if beggars can’t be choosers, I will still hope that today is at the very least somewhat comforting and slightly enjoyable.

Now to wait for my parents to wake up so their adult children are allowed to leave the guest room / couch. It might be a minute. “Santa hasn’t come yet!” is a phrase that has terrifying implications no matter what context you consider it in.

Top 10 Christmas Gifts I’ve Ever Received

Since I thought it might be fun and a way to kill time, here are the ten best Christmas gifts I’ve ever received. I’ve got no more space for pictures if this is going to be email length, so just use your imagination.

10.) Microscope for a kid that should not have been handling glass

9.) 2-XL robot (twice, motherfuckers)

8.) F-Zero X, the best game on the Nintendo 64, no more questions

7.) DOOM, which scared me

6.) Super Nintendo, which thrilled me

5.) Portable extension cord that’s been just plain useful even if it was a stocking stuffer

4.) Power Rangers Green Ranger Dragonzord, the Turbo Man of real toys

3.) Portable CD player that could also play MP3s off a burned disc which is crazy

2.) Vintage copy of English As She Is Spoke with Mark Twain introduction, no notes

1.) A giant XXL body pillow featuring video game iconography and the name “MICHAEL” written on it in a green, retro-future font. I was 37 when I received this gift.

That’s All!

I hope you have a great Christmas and all drama is kept to an absolute minimum.

And please feel free to share what you’ve got! I could use the company! Oof, that last exclamation point really drove home some sadness.