Maybe Don’t Feel Up Your Boyfriend In A Public Theater If You’re In Congress

I loved Beetlejuice: The Musical, but apparently not as much as Lauren Boebert

Okay, so. Wait a minute. Stop. Wait. Hold on.

You’ve already heard that Congresswoman Lauren Boebert and her new boyfriend were kicked out of Beetlejuice: The Musical. Initially, people said she was kicked out because she was vaping and on her phone. Which is true!

But she was also apparently getting felt up while giving her boyfriend an over-the-jeans handjob? If you want to ruin your morning, you can watch it here. Normally, I’d say it’s horrible to make someone’s sex acts public. But when you do it in public in a theater during a live performance of a family-friendly show, it’s probably okay to show.

Click at your own peril.

Real quick.

One, what the fuck? I don’t mean just the feeling each other up in public part. Why is he rubbing her tits like he’s making pizza dough? Has he ever touched boobs before? Is this a 40-Year-Old Virgin situation? They’re fucking mammary glands, not potatoes to mash for Thanksgiving. I’m sure Boebert can’t really pull high quality dudes at this point, but how deeply embarrassing. They’re breasts, not Nickelodeon Gak.

Two, she’s sitting near other people. I know we all know that, but really think about it for a second. She’s jerking him off with her left hand. A left hand that shares an armrest with the person next to her.

Two, she’s sitting right behind a pregnant woman! If she was vaping alone, it would be a shitty move. For a woman who’s endlessly talked about “protecting children” and “the sanctity of life,” it’s definitely a little weird to let your boyfriend squeeze your boobs in public as you touch his tiny dick. You don’t get to take the higher ground on protecting children.

Three, this is Boebert’s family Christmas photo:

None of those children look comfortable outside of maybe the youngest which, honestly, is one of the scariest parts. The other three all look like they’ve been forced by their mom to hold a gun. Homeboy on the far left looks embarrassed, the kid on the far right looks terrified, and the boy next to him clearly doesn’t want to be holding it. And I could be wrong. They could love waiting up all night on Christmas Eve to rob Santa.

But I’m not talking about gun safety or taking your guns away. As much as I’d be fine with that, it’s not happening. Our country is too reliant on Mountain Dew for hydration to ever consider us doing something intelligent.

This is a woman whose main premise is: “I get to be a cruel asshole to people because I’m protecting children!” Yet she forces her sad kids to pose with guns. And jerks off dudes in public theaters. Hey, the second amendment is real. And we all have to get off how we get off. No slut shaming here. But you are not the arbiter of children’s safety when you do one of those, let alone both of those.

We live in the dumbest timeline. Scientists are harassed into silence by people who have created an entire sci-fi universe around the dangers of vaccines. Experts are dismissed because our country considers being an expert to be suspicious. We’re at a point where states want to set up checkpoints to ensure that no pregnant folks escape their clutches.

So just a reminder: This is who’s claiming to protect your kids.

Fucking idiots.