Before I get into this, I recognize there are things worth being mad at. There are grave crimes, great injustices, and harsh inequalities. There are evil people. There are cruel people. There are annoying people who walk with their friends four abreast on the sidewalk and you can’t get around no matter how fucking hard you try. There is plenty in the world to get mad at.
I just want to be less mad all the time.
I’m tired, man. We’re all tired. People are more tired than me. People who work harder, have less money, suffer more. People who aren’t as lucky. Everyone is tired.
I just want to be less mad.
The problem is I don’t know how to be less mad. I’ve tried to practice daily meditation, but every time I missed a day, I felt stressed and mad at myself. I’ve tried therapy, but that’s mostly helped me recognize the origins of me being mad. I’ve tried to exercise more, but that just makes me tired and mad. I’ve tried staying off social media, but that only means learning about something that makes me mad later than everyone else.
I was raised to be angry by angry people who were angry all the time. Shout out to the phrase, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” Classic stuff.
I get mad at bad news.
I get mad at good news.
I get mad at my friends’ failures.
I get mad at my friends’ successes.
It’s fucking exhausting, man. It’s unhealthy. It’s selfish. Shit, it’s its own form of evil. Maybe not top of the line evil. If anything, it’s the type of evil that gets you into a circle of Hell that’s more inconvenient than tortuous. My version of Hell is just the Devil knocking on the door frame and going, “Hey, buddy. You see this thing about this woman that got yelled at for bringing chili to her neighbor?”
So, really, I put myself in Hell. Metaphorically. Also, people online kept correcting me about the spelling of “Chili.” And then I wrote it with two L’s and autocorrect was mad. Which made me mad. Goddamnit. Goddamnit.
I’d prefer the feeling I have to be like the meme of that dumb college student screaming that’s apparently required viewing for anyone who sucks at jokes. It would be nice if the things that made me mad were all insignificant distractions. Or a product of me just being too sensitive or too precious. And sometimes that’s true. Most often, it’s more ephemeral.
I’d love it to be that I’m upset by one specific thing. And outside of the sidewalk thing, I’m not. There’s no toggle that would make it easier to breathe even though the front of my head feels like fire ants.
It’s not even rage, which can be kind of cool in an extremely not cool way. I’m not furious at minor inconveniences. I’m not snapping at co-workers or loved ones. I’m just mad and I’m tired and I’m tired of being mad, which itself makes me mad. It’s just a constant string of things both small and big. It’s a loop.
Nor is it a lack of positivity. This isn’t a glass-half-empty versus a glass-half-full situation. I’m grateful for all the things I’ve received in my life. I’m grateful for all the things I’ve done. I know that my slice of the pie is bigger than a lot of people ever get, and I’m extraordinarily lucky for it. I appreciate it. Being mad or sad doesn’t negate appreciation, no matter how many fucking times someone says, “Count your blessings.” Five. That’s how many fucking blessings. Five. I’ve counted. Stop asking.
A perfect storm of shit makes me mad all the time. Legitimate things. Shitty comments online. Getting halfway to a job and realizing I forgot my laptop. People on the sidewalk who really need to understand that the word “walk” is in the goddamn name. Things that do matter. Things that don’t matter. But they all make me mad. They all burn out my brain.
It’s not sustainable. I don’t want to live like this for the next - I dunno - five years I’ve got left. Five is generous.
I don’t like it. I want to enjoy things with pure joy rather than tempered excitement. I want to feel less angry at people whose successes have absolutely nothing to do with my failures. I want to embrace things. I’ve made an effort to. I’ll keep making an effort to. It is a lot of effort to make an effort. I don’t even need to reach the impossible height that is “happy.” I just want the absence of feeling tired and annoyed.
That said, fuck people who crowd the sidewalk. Some of us have places to go.
I Want to Be Less Mad All the Time
People who see the world as it is are clinically depressed. Sadness often manifests as anger as want the world
To be different than it is.
Are you saying there were people trying to tell you to spell chili with 2 L’s? Because they’re wrong